September 2020 Log

9/27 – My weight is about the same as yesterday – 140.6 pounds – probably because I wasn’t feeling well last night. I’m still not feeling great today, but I was able to eat breakfast and drink a protein shake from Kate Farms.

I decided to take a 2 hour nap this morning since I’m still tired from not feeling well last night.

For lunch I had leftovers from yesterday and ate a rice cake with peanut butter. I listened to a 5 minute meditation exercise on Youtube to also help me calm myself.

I’m been wondering why the medicine I take for nausea doesn’t work since it’s a very popular medication. Is it because I’m just anxious and not really nauseated? Perhaps. I’m still looking for ways to calm myself. This is my top priority.

I didn’t take Mirilax last night so I haven’t had a bowel movement yet. I drank my dosage at lunch so that should help. It’s always a constant struggle to stay regular because of the medications I’m taking and my anxiety.

9/26 – My weight is 140.8 pounds! I don’t know how it went up, but I’ll take it. I think some of it may be due to my constipation problems, but maybe not.

I had a decent bowel movement this morning. It’s the little things that make me happy.

I worked on my son’s light fixture in his room. I’ve been meaning to do this for years and finally got the time. It’s all fixed good as new and I even got some exercise during the process. Unfortunately, my tinnitus starting acting up and my right ear felt like it had water in it. This is common when I do any sort of exercise or get anxious. It eventually passed.

By the way, I’ve had a problem with my right ear for about 30 years ever since it was popped during karate practice. I’m not sure how to describe what happened except that I remember really pushing my body to the limit that day and my ear popped, kind of like what you feel with air pressure differences when climbing a mountain or on a plane. It acts up during times of intense exercise or anxiety.

I drank a Kate Farms protein drink in the morning before lunch to get more protein and calories. It’s really good. I plan on ordering more in the future.

I fixed lunch consisting of white rice (can’t handle brown rice), boiled cabbage (one of my staples), salmon, and avocado. I ate about 1/3 of what I prepared so as not to get bloated, and put the rest in the refrigerator for later.

My son and I took a walk at a local park. We didn’t walk too far, but got out on a beautiful day and got some exercise. My tinnitus and right ear acted up (as usual), but settled down after we got home.

I ate about another third of my lunch. I’m pretty full so I ate a bit too much. Since it’s the weekend my stress level is low so I should be okay.

I drove around with the intention of crossing the Arkansas River bridge, but decided not to push and just drove around playing Pokémon instead.

6:00 p.m. rolled around and it was time to take my Nexium. As soon as I took it, my stomach felt uneasy. I thought I might be hungry so I ate a rice cake with peanut butter on top, but that made matters worse. I tried eating my lunch leftovers at dinner, but just couldn’t. My stomach was in agony. I can never quite vomit, but I probably would have felt better if I had. I spent time sitting on the back porch trying to feel better. I took 8 mg of Ondansetron for the nausea, but it didn’t help. Eventually I went to bed and slept until about 11:00 p.m. I drank some almond milk and took my Mirtazapine (Remeron) and my stomach started acting up again. Hopefully sleep will help and I’ll be better in the morning.

9/25 – My weight this morning was right at 140.0 pounds. I had hoped for a little more, but this is an increase from the previous day so I’ll take it.

I’m a bit more tired and anxious than usual, but this usually happens when I get a lot of exercise the day before. I just need to keep pushing through the discomfort.

I had a meeting with a coworker today and though I was anxious, I pushed through and eventually got better. I’m still not great, though. My anxiety level is high and I can’t seem to decrease it with medication and relaxation methods.

I found a hypnosis video on YouTube for anxiety and panic attack and listened to it with my eyes closed while sitting in an office chair. It lasted about 35 minutes. I did calm down a bit. I’ll continue trying these videos until I find one I really like. As a therapist once said, anxious clients need to learn to relax deeply, and often. Relaxation is the antidote to fear and stress.

I was able to eat about 1/2 of my lunch before it really started getting to me. That seems to be my limit. It consisted of salmon (which I call “square fish” because it comes frozen and is close to square in shape – actually rectangular), boiled cabbage, and an avocado.

For dinner, I finish the avocado and cabbage portion of my lunch, and had Butternut Squash and Sweet Potato soup made by Campbells. I’ve been eating this soup for a while and it tastes good. It can sometimes take a couple hours to eat it, but I’m making progress.

I just went a short distance tonight to play Pokémon and I did okay, but my stomach was bothering me more than usual.

Before bed I was worried about not getting enough calories so I ate a rice cake with peanut butter. It was just before bedtime so hopefully it will be okay. And when I laid down, I was thinking about how I got into this condition. It’s probably just anxiety and I haven’t made any significant progress in solving my anxiety problem for about a year. That’s depressing. The drugs aren’t helping as well as they once did and the Therapist isn’t really helping. He’s all about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exercise. Maybe that’s enough and I just need to give it more time. I also might have the TMS treatments in the future so there’s that. I’ll keep searching.

9/24 – I pushed the calories today. As the Dietitian recommended, I’ve been eating snacks as much as possible.

I ran out of Kate Farms formula and placed an order. It’s pretty expensive, a case of 12 costs $46, but if it works then that’s all that matters to me. It should arrive in 2 days.

My anxiety was okay today, but I did have a major panic attack just prior to a meeting. Since it was my meeting, I just decided to cancel it and send a descriptive email of what I was going to talk about. I need to do some work with exposure training with meetings like I’m doing in the car (like driving over the Arkansas River bridge).

I got more exercise today. I’ve been taking brisk walks, but today I added a few jumping jacks and lifted some light dumb bells. I’ll continue to increase my amount of exercise as the days progress.

I went to play Pokémon later in the evening which involved driving over the Arkansas River bridge downtown and did okay. I was out for about an hour and got a little car sick, but I made it.

I did not have a bowel movement today. If I don’t have one tomorrow, I’ll need to do the dreaded enema. I don’t know why I’m more constipated now. It could be the new medication or perhaps I’m not drinking enough water. I am getting more exercise so maybe that will help.

9/23 – I’m still having trouble eating and my anxiety is still bad.

I did meet with the new Dietitian using FaceTime in the afternoon. I was nervous to the point of being nauseated, but I made it through the call.

She said I have Gastroparesis – slow moving gut. I need to focus on eating small portions (snacks) that I can tolerate more frequently, and to add protein and fat to each to each meal and snack. I must eat more frequently to get my GI tract stimulated and moving more regularly.  This will help with my metabolism.  In other words, get my gut moving.  I need to get exercise everyday, even if it’s just for 10 minutes.

The Gastric emptying scan I have coming up will tell how my current diet might change, so I definitely need to have the test.  I may have to go low fiber diet depending on the results. She provided some samples of Kate Farms formula which is a good tasting plant-based shake. I drank one and my stomach seemed to like it. I told her about my anxiety and told her how I was being treated which was very important to my recovery. (She mentioned that Meditation is her go-to anxiety reliever.)

All-in-all, it was an encouraging call. She also has access to my Gastroenterologists records since she works at the same clinic. I may get some labs drawn in the office eventually, but for now we have a plan. She scheduled another appointment a week after the test.

In the evening, I took a couple brisk walks for exercise and drove around afterward playing Pokémon. Before going to bed, I tried to have a bowel movement but I was plugged up so I gave myself and enema. I hate enemas, but if the Miralax isn’t working then I don’t have much of a choice. I’m still very stressed and am concerned about my health. I went to sleep at my usual time and I’m trying to stay positive.

9/22 – Today started fine. I ate my usual oatmeal and RX A.M. Oats. I was still hungry so I started eating Cream of Wheat, but halfway through I had to stop due to overwhelming nausea. I laid down for a while with a heating pad on my stomach, but that didn’t help much. Then I remembered from yesterday that the nurse had told me to drink lots of water after the CT scan to purge my body of the dye they used. Maybe that was it? I kept pushing liquids, even drank an Ensure Clear which went down okay, but I still didn’t feel well.

I didn’t eat much lunch nor did I eat dinner until later and only then did I eat a small amount of soup. I slept for about 2 hours between 6 and 8 p.m.

My weight has probably dropped off, but I’m hopeful that I’ll keep my upward trend. I didn’t exercise today or even take a walk. Hopefully I’ll be better in the morning.

9/21 – My weight is holding steading at 141 pounds. Not bad.

I took my wife to the Dentist to have a tooth pulled. I was somewhat nervous, but I made it. Afterwards I went to the pharmacy to get her prescriptions and did okay. Most importantly, my wife is doing okay. She’s in pain, but it should taper off over the next few days. I feel great that I was able to take care of someone other than myself, especially my wife!

The dreaded CT scan is scheduled at 12:45 p.m. today. After check-in, I was told I would have to drink 2 cups of liquid and have an IV for the imagining. I was super anxious the whole time. I was only able to drink a small amount of liquid, but they decided to go through with the test anyway. It’s funny that I’ve fine with the IV, but have me drink 2 cups of liquid is a major problem. I tried calming myself down with limited success. Once I was on the CT scanner, they injected me with dye which seemed to be just fine. The test was only a few minutes. I hope the images are usable. Afterwards I felt fine, but I plan to take a nap later this afternoon to recover from the anxiety.

For dinner, I at some chicken soup from Chick-Fil-A. I was able to eat about half which is about all I can consume. I also drank some almond milk to help put on the colories.

Since I was so tired from today’s events, I took a break from exercise and will resume tomorrow. It probably would have been a good idea to exercise, but I was just too tired.

Before bed, I drove around alone battling Pokemon Gyms and went to bed as soon as I returned.

9/20 – Woke up about 8:00 a.m. and weighed myself: 141.2 pounds! This is a new high for more for at least a couple months so I was pretty excited about it. I did try to push the calories yesterday.

I then drove across the river bridge with no problems at all. I felt pretty good about that. Usually early in the morning before my stress level gets worse later in the day is better. I drove around Maumelle while checking out the new white oak crossing overpass on I-40 and eventually drove back across the bridge to the Little Rock side. Again, no problems. Today is starting out great.

I went to the local Zoo this afternoon to see the animals and to take out a couple Pokemon Gyms. It was about 80 degrees out, but it felt hotter than that. Why I was battling a Pokemon Gym, I started feeling weak and nauseas and a panic attack started. I was worried about getting sick and having to go to the bathroom, but was worried about using the bathroom because of the COVID pandemic. There were also a lot more people at the Zoo than usual, so that made it even worse. I used this opportunity to practice my calming skills using deep breathing exercises and eventually started feeling better. I was very proud of myself for being able to accomplish this. Maybe the new medicines I’m taking are also helping. I left the Zoo and came right home. I rested the rest of the afternoon since panic attacks always take a lot out of me.

It’s close to dinner and I’m getting more and more worried about my CT scan I have scheduled for tomorrow. My biggest worry is that I can’t eat anything for several hours prior to the appointment and I know I will have to have some kind of liquid during the test. I’ve read that I might drink it or given it via IV. And, of course, since it’s a Monday my anxiety goes ways up. We’ll see how it goes.

9/19 – Saturdays are always better for me. My anxiety level is low and my appetite is better today. The Seroquel could be doing some good, but it’s difficult to tell with all the other medications I’m taking. I was really sleepy in the morning and had to go back to sleep for about an hour which did me a lot of good.

I trimmed the hedges in the front yard hopefully for the last time this year. That wore me out which I suppose is good since I need more exercise. Later I cleaned-up around the house getting a little more exercise.

My tinnitus and weird skin feeling was not too bad today, probably because my stress level was low. I did a couple meditation exercises which helped further reduce my anxiety.

We had a church’s small group meeting on the property of the church which was relaxing. I hadn’t been in months so it was good to be around people. I was apprehensive at first, but settled in okay. I didn’t stay the entire time because I didn’t want to push it, but the total time was about an hour and a half which was good. I did feel some anxious thoughts, but practiced my breathing exercises which seemed to work. I was always drinking some soup while there which was a big accomplishment because eating food while in the presence of other people is diffuclt.

I did not cross the river bridge today because I ran out of time. I’ll do that first thing in the morning.

I am somewhat anxious about that CT scan I have scheduled for Monday, but I read more about it on the internet and it doesn’t seem too bad.

I took another Seroquel before going to bed.

9/18 – I felt a little better when I woke up probably because it’s Friday and my anxiety levels tend to go down during the week. I’m still not ready to go back into the office since I need to lay down and rest occasionally. It’s nice that we are working from home full time for now.

One thing I haven’t mentioned is that my Tinnitus has really been acting up lately. I got it about a year ago when I accidently took half the dosage of Klonopin than I should. The pharmacy had given me tablets which were half the dosage than what I was used to probably because I used to break the tablets in half. Anyway, Tinnitus is an everyday occurrence now and gets worse the more anxiety I feel.

I had a team meeting today where I was the presenter and did well. I felt really good after the meeting for my accomplishment. I did prepare for the meeting, and made sure I had water by my side and that I went to the bathroom just prior. The more exposure, the better it should be.

After work I took about a 30 minute break to slow down and relax. The downtime really helps with my anxiety.

Around dinnertime, my skin really started feeling weird. I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s not exactly like I’m on pins and needs, but similar. When I touch my iPhones touch-screen, it’s uncomfortable. It’s not painful. It’s just strange. It also causes my anxiety to increase.

I was able to eat some food for dinner, although not as much as I consume during the day. This is typical. At least I’m eating.

I relaxed while watching a TV show for about 45 minutes and then took a walk around the block. This was followed by 10 minutes on a stationary bike at a fairly brisk pace, and I lifted 2 pound dumbbells’ a few times to get my upper body used to exercise.

I took my first Seroquel just before going to sleep. I’m always apprehensive with new medicine (especially after reading the side-effects), but it seem to be okay. We’ll see how I feel in the morning.

9/17 – I felt tired throughout the day, probably because I exercised yesterday. My skin also felt like it was on pins and needles. This is a very unpleasant feeling the recurs a lot. I had to sleep some during the day so I’m very thankful that I’m working from home. Aside from that, I was able to eat well so at least that’s a positive.

I did use guided meditation for several minutes, but it didn’t seem to help because I was focused on issues that were occurring at work. It’s difficult to relax when I’m working so much.

After dinner I took a brisk walk and felt pretty good afterwards, but decided to eat a little more soup afterwards and felt bad. I went to bed soon after that. I need to make sure I don’t eat anything after a certain time and, of course, get plenty of sleep.

I also found out that I have a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis Monday afternoon. I’m not to eat anything 4 hours before the appointment and it takes about 1-1/2 hours. It’s non-invasive, but I’ll probably have to drink some liquid so my organs are visible on the scan. I’m not looking forward to it, but I know it’s necessary.

9/16 – Today I felt a little better probably because it’s getting later in the week. I’m still on my bland diet and I’ve been eating small meals so that helps prevent a bloated feeling in my stomach which can trigger a panic attack.

I spoke with my Therapist in the afternoon and mentioned that my anxiety can get out of control. He said I must get on a regular exercise schedule and push through the discomfort. I need to get my heart rate up to the prescribed level (and to look this up based on my age). The nights he feels the best is when he’s done his fitness. I walked about half a mile and rode on my stationary bike for 7 minutes. We’ll see how it goes, especially the next day.

I also asked him about TMS and he was able to get me in touch with the Nurse Practitioner that handles my medications. It was determined that I do have Depression. I’ve spent decades hiding my illness so that wasn’t surprising. He needs to put my on some other medication – Seroquel – to see if that works. This is necessary because my insurance will not cover TMS unless we’ve tried different medicines. I may start taking the medicine this weekend so it doesn’t affect my job.

I was able to drive to the Capital for Pokemon Go! Raid Hour by myself and stayed an hour. This was a pretty big accomplishment because getting out has been getting increasingly difficult. And I was able to eat more at Dinner time so that’s good.

9/15 – My weight dropped again to 138.6 because I wasn’t able to eat as much. My anxiety gets worse throughout the day so by evening it is difficult to handle. Today and yesterday I’ve had a lot of work to do in my job so that’s definitely added to my overall stress. This morning I spent some time relaxing for about 20 minutes which helped. For lunch, I ate half of my food and waited about an hour and a half to eat the other half. That worked better. I’ve got to be handle my anxiety very carefully so it doesn’t get worse throughout the day, and also understand that my anxiety is worse early in the week.

By the evening, my anxiety was at a solid 10. I could not calm myself down. I tried taking more Klonopin since the doctor approved up to 2 mg per day, but it had little effect. Eventually, I was able to watch a TV show with my wife and like a fever breaking I could feel my anxiety lessen a bit. By the time it was time for bed, my anxiety level had finally drifted down to about a 2. It took about 4 hours to get to this point. I’ll be talking to my Therapist about this tomorrow.

9/14 – My weight is up to 140 pounds so that’s good news. However, Mondays are always difficult for me and this was no exception. The good news is that I was able to work the entire day. However, I had bad anxiety after lunch. My body felt like it was on pins and needles. It was virtually impossible to calm down. I used guided meditation on my Echo and that helped a little. I also practice my breathing exercises. Unfortunately, my anxiety held firm. I had difficulty eating and felt hungry and nauseous throughout the day.

9/13 – I woke up feeling a little off, perhaps due to taking a full dosage of Mirtazapine, but the feeling passed after lunch. My appetite is still good and I’m eating as much as I can to gain my weight back.

We went to the Zoo this morning and walked around and later took the dog for a walk, so I’m getting some exercise. In the past, if I got too much exercise I would feel tired the next day, but on some occasions I would have what I called a Gastritis flair-up which would set me back. Hopefully that doesn’t happen tomorrow.

I decided to try driving across the Arkansas river bridge again this afternoon to increase my exposure and eventually lessen the effects of the panic attacks I suffer. I made it across. My anxiety reached at least an 8, but I made it. On the way back, though, I decided to go a different route since I couldn’t reduce my anxiety level even with my breathing exercises. One step at a time.

I also listened to a guided meditation on my Amazon Echo today. This is a great app and helps me calm down. I also practiced Deep Breathing exercises throughout the day.

9/12 – I decided to visit my sister who lives about 20 miles from my home. My anxiety has become progressively worse the past year and the number of panic attacks have increased. The most direct route to my sister’s house involves driving over the Arkansas River bridge. I’ve had numerous panic attacks while crossing this bridge and my mind has associated this bridge with anxiety. Today while crossing this bridge, my anxiety level increased to such a degree that I almost couldn’t bring myself to cross the bridge. I tried everything I could think of from deep breathing to calming music, but I still couldn’t lower my anxiety level. I got off at the last exit before crossing the bridge to try to calm myself. That helped a little, but I finally just had to commit and cross the bridge. It was very difficult, but the farther I drove the easier it got. I made it and got off on the first exist. I eventually made it to my sister’s house and had a nice visit.

On the return trip, I decided that I would take a different route, one without the associated panic attacks. It took a while, but I eventually got home. I was tired, but happy I made it. I’ve decided I’ll cross that bridge at least twice a week until my anxiety level is manageable.

9/11 – I had two doctor’s appointments today. The first was with the Mental Health Clinic’s nurse practitioner that prescribes my medication. Because my anxiety has been so bad lately, he has recommended that I increase my Klonopin dosage to 2 mg maximum per day, and begin taking the full dosage of Mirtazapine (15 mg). I’ve been taking the Mirtazapine for about a week and it’s made me very drowsy during the day so the dosage will increase over the weekend so as not to interfere with my job. He also mentioned that he might eventually try Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation to help with my anxiety. I’d never heard of this, but it sounds promising. I also like the idea that it’s non-invasive. He said it’s a daily procedure, but he would have to clear it with my insurance company first because it’s evidently given to patients when other methods don’t work. I am to call my nurse practitioner back in a week to report on my progress with the new medication dosages. I scheduled a 1 month follow-up appointment.

I also had an appointment with my Gastroenterologist. On my way to the appointment, I had a major panic attack and had to drive home. Fortunately I was able to call and change the in-person appointment to a Face-time appointment. I was very relieved for that.

My Gastroenterologist believes that my symptoms are caused by anxiety, which could be true, and he’s done all the tests he can do. Nevertheless, he agreed to schedule two new tests and schedule an appointment with their staff Dietitian. The tests are a CT Scan and a Gastric Emptying Study.