10/9 to 10/11 – I’ve been away some, but I have been working on my health each day.
10/8 – I felt better this morning, but was a little tired from the exercise I did last night.
I’m able to eat, but not very much at one time. I recall this started happening about a year ago. I can’t believe it’s been a year and I’m not better. Anyway, now’s a good time to post my daily diet. Note that the later in the day it gets, the harder it is to eat.
- Breakfast – Steel-cut oats, RX AM Oats, Ensure Clear, Kate Farms Standard formula. I consume this throughout the morning slowly until it’s time for lunch.
- Lunch – White rice, microwaved fish, avocado. I can only eat about half of this and it’s difficult to eat that. I have to force myself to eat it. I then fix myself a smoothie using about 2 cups of Almond Milk, a half of a banana, and about 2 heaping tablespoons full of pea protein powder. I usually have two smoothies during the afternoon. Sometimes I’ll have a half of a rice cake with peanut butter, but I’m finding that peanut butter is heavy on my stomach so I have to be careful.
- Dinner – I warm up the leftovers from lunch and either have Squash and Sweat Potato soup or another smoothie.
I’ll be talking to the Dietician tomorrow to get more ideas on my diet.
After dinner, my stomach was a little bloated so I laid still on my bed and watched a TV show. Afterwards, I took a short walk. That did make me feel better.
I’ve heard that grounding exercises help over time so I’m going to start doing them regularly. I’m starting with videos from Therapy in a Nutshell.
Grounding Exercise: Anxiety Skills #5
Grounding Activity for Anxiety #7: Creating a Safe Place
Grounding for Anxiety #9 : Breath Counting
10/7 – After the Seroquel incident yesterday, I wasn’t able to eat much for dinner so I thought my weight would decrease. It didn’t, probably because I had been pushing the calories most of the day.
One thing I tend to ignore is the incessant Tinnitus that I have all the time. It’s a little louder this morning. It’s frustrating that it only started after I inadvertently took half the Klonopin dosage last year. Maybe it’ll go away one day.
I’m still on a bland diet and it’s still difficult to eat a lot in one sitting without feeling bloated and nauseated. One day I’ll be better. I think I just need to get my stress level down and manage my anxiety.
I’ve been watching some YouTube videos about rewiring the anxious brain on the Therapy in a Nutshell channel, and it’s really been interesting. The presenter Emma McAdam has some great ideas for handling anxiety. She emphasizes daily practice of the techniques she presents and to be patient and allow them to work, and also to write about my anxiety.
Just before dinner I went for a bike ride around my neighborhood. I felt better, but I’m very tired.
I’ve noticed today that after getting off Seroquel, my skin doesn’t feel strange like it did before. I compared it to being on pins and needles, but that’s not exactly how it felt. Maybe it was the Seroquel causing the problems.
I had a meeting today between with a couple other people and though I was nervous in the beginning, I eventually calmed down. That was a huge win.
10/6 – Before going to sleep last night, I started watching a show on Netflix entitled “Heal.” According to IMDB, it’s a documentary film that takes us on a scientific and spiritual journey where we discover that by changing one’s perceptions, the human body can heal itself from any disease. One of the key points is that illness is caused by stress on the body. I’m not getting significantly better so I’m considering seeking out a holistic practitioner in town.
I decided to take a Seroquel after lunch to see if it helped any with my anxiety. It didn’t. It made me feel terrible. I was down for the rest of the day after that. I guess I didn’t notice the problems with the drug when taking it before bed because I was asleep. I’m going to call my doctor and tell him that I can’t take it anymore. Hopefully this won’t affect the plan to start TMS Therapy in the future.
10/5 – It’s Monday so I’m tired and more anxious as usual. And btw, my weight has gained since yesterday: 142.6!
I was feeling bad around 9:00 a.m. and realized I had forgotten to take my Nexium. I took it, but still didn’t fee that great. I had several bowel movements which I was happy about because I was getting constipated. I think I’m good now.
I ate the usual: Oatmeal, RX AM Oats, Ensure Clear, Kate Farms protein drink. I was doing okay until a meeting that started at 11:30 a.m. lasted until about 12:45 p.m. I hadn’t eaten lunch nor had I take my medicine. I felt bad.
I quickly ate some rice which helped a little and decided to try a Salmon patty I found at Kroger. It was too spicy, but I tried eating it anyway. I didn’t eat my usual avocado. My routine was off and I felt bad.
I kept going through the afternoon. I tried eating a rice cake with peanut butter, but felt bad. I tried meditation, I listened to a calming YouTube video, but I still felt bad. About 4:30 p.m. I laid in bed. I slept from about 5 till 6 and woke up to take my evening Nexium.
For dinner, I just had a smoothie. I finally finished drinking it about 9:00 p.m. I still feel bad. I took a short walk and drop a little to play Pokemon, and went to bed early. Hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning.
10/4 – I took my MiraLAX first thing and had a bowel movement later in the morning. It wasn’t great, but maybe I’m okay.
I worked on the back deck today. That helped me get some exercise. I also did some work with that quality issue. I’m worried about the upcoming week because I’m going to have several meetings dealing with that.
Today was a Pokémon event day which I tried to participate in. It made me anxious because there were some things to do in the game. My hands and body started feeling like pins and needles. I hate that feeling. I almost couldn’t go out to battle in a raid, but I was able to make it. It wasn’t far from my house so I was discouraged that I was so anxious.
I also drank several smoothies so hopefully that’ll help with my weight.
10/3 – My weight is dropping a little. Hopefully by exercising more, I’ll gain some muscle and gain weight.
I got out a little today. I went to the grocery store, the hardware store and Home Depot. I did okay. I’m fighting to get out whenever I can.
I’ve been drinking a lot of smoothies between meals to keep the calories coming and to help jump-start my gut. I’ve been drinking Pea Protein which I’ve acquired a taste for. I mix about 2 cups of vanilla flavored almond milk, half a banana, and about 2-3 tablespoons of pea protein.
I had to do some work today because of the quality issue so that made me anxious. I spoke with an analyst and she was stressed out. I was as well. I used to be able to handle stress, but not anymore. One day I’ll be able to get back to where I used to be.
In the evening before bed, I was driving around playing Pokémon when I started feeling really anxious. In this case, I couldn’t burp. Even when I got home, I still couldn’t burp so I sat in the backyard trying to feel better. I walked around. Still nothing. I told myself I’m not nauseous, only bloated. That seemed to help a little. It was time for bed and I couldn’t take my medicines so I laid on a recliner in the living room and slept a little. I was finally able to take my pills and go to sleep. I was worried about not being able to take my MiraLAX, because if I miss a day I’ll be constipated the next. I’ll take it in the morning.
10/2 – Early this morning I went to the hospital for my gastric emptying study. I had prepared for this day, knowing that eating food in public, especially in a hospital, makes me nervous. I was still reeling from the bad day at work and my nerves were fried but I still went.
I started eating the food for the test, but couldn’t continue. My anxiety was pegged at a 10. I told the person administering the test that I didn’t think I could continue. He was very understanding and told me what they could do to help me feel more at ease. I couldn’t do it and told him I had to leave. I’m sure I’ll have to pay the full amount for the test I couldn’t do. I was defeated.
I drove home and told my wife about it. The test isn’t absolutely required, but my Dietician wanted to get the results to help her formulate a future diet. I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours.
When I awoke, it was about time for lunch so I had my usual rice, fish, and avocado. I checked some of my emails at work and that Quality issue was being handled. Still no word on exactly how much it will cost the company, but I predict it will be at least $50k. So I’m still bummed by that and the fact that I couldn’t complete the test.
After lunch I watched a TED video about anxiety, How to cope with anxiety | Olivia Remes | TEDxUHasselt. The speaker listed 3 tips which I found summarized in another article, 3 Skills To Help You Cope With Anxiety: A TedTalk By Olivia Remes. The first one really helped: Forgive Yourself. I really needed that now. I wasn’t ready for that test this morning. I will continue to seek help and eventually go back and have that test. It will be okay.
That quality issue at work, though, I’m not so sure. It wasn’t my fault, but as the manager of the developer that messed up, it’s my responsibility. I’ll just have to take it one day at a time. I’m still very upset about it.
10/1 – Weight is holding steading. I’m going to try to increase my exercise so I can add more muscle mass. I’m trying to view this as a great opportunity where I’m starting over with my body, eating healthier and getting regular exercise.
Work was going well. I’m continuing with my usual routine of eating similar things for each meal and snacking on a smoothie in between.
I had a FaceTime appointment with my Therapist today. I was really nervous prior to the appointment, so I spent about 30 minutes preparing for it by not eating anything and practicing breathing exercises. I was feeling pretty good when I met with the therapist.
I told him about the severe anxiety I’ve been having, how I’ve seen no improvement. He said he would talk to a Psychiatrist they have one staff and let me know if he has any new information. I told him all the things I was doing when I had panic attacks and he said I was doing everything right. He said the good thing is that things are working. They’re not working to the degree that I’d like, but I am responding positively to some of these things. And something very important to me that he said was that at some point I’ll stumble across something that works. That was very helpful. I just need to hold out hope and keep pushing.
After work I drove to Home Depot to buy some supplies for my deck. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I kept telling myself that I could turn around anytime I wanted. When I got to the store, I went in and I was fine. I actually felt good! I went to the lumber section and realized I didn’t know the exact boards I wanted. Rather than guess and buy the wrong lumber, I took pictures of what I thought I should buy and came home and measured to be sure. Now I know exactly what I need.
A little after 6:00 p.m., I don’t know why but I checked my email. There was an issue for a client we have at work. We recently had a sizable quality issue that cost the company about $16k so I was very worried that this could be another quality issue. Unfortunately, my fears came true. The developer did not test a recent project thoroughly. My anxiety went through the roof thinking about this. I chatted with the developer on Teams asking him what happened. He simply did not do his job and now it’s going to cost the company even more than the previous issues. (Incidentally, I could never prove exactly who caused the last quality issue, but all signs pointed to this same developer.) And to top it off, there was another issue that this developer caused for another client that was discovered today. That issue won’t cost the company any money, but the client wasn’t happy about it.
I am so disappointed in this developer, I don’t know what to do. When several of us got on a call with our director late in the evening to tell him what happened, his disappointment came through loud and clear on the call. This developer has been with the company almost as long as myself and usually did good work. Why did he screw up so badly? Of course this won’t go unpunished, but will I be affected? Will I lose my job? I couldn’t lower my anxiety so I went to bed. This could have been a great day, but it was ruined by the carelessness of a bad developer.
Breaking Free of Anxiety 