My Story

I’m nearly 60 years old now and have suffered from Anxiety disorder most of my life.

It began at the age of 12. I was in an afternoon class in 6th grade when I had my first panic attack. I had no idea what was happening to me, but knew I had to get out of that room. I interrupted the teacher to ask for a hall pass to go to the bathroom. She wasn’t too happy about that, but I at least got out of that room. The bathrooms were mostly empty, so I thought I might have to defecate so that’s what I did. I remember there was another boy in the bathroom who said “hello” and that seemed to get my mind off the panic attack. I finished up and went back to class. I was able to finish the day and go home.

Many have asked me what brought on the first panic attack and I really don’t know. I started Elementary school in the Northwest United States where my father worked and I did fine there. But then my dad lost his job and eventually found work 2000 miles away so we moved. Some speculate that the big move added stress which caused the panic attack. Additionally, my mother had panic attacks, although nobody knew what they were at the time so perhaps it was a combination of both.

I started having panic attacks for frequently and choose the “flight” solution by either going to the bathroom or the school nurse who called my mom. Eventually, my brain associated school with panic attacks. I started missing more and more days and nobody knew what to do. I went to my doctor who had no clue. My parents grew up during the Great Depression and didn’t believe in going to doctors, so they just assumed I would “grow out of it.” Eventually my doctor persuaded them into taking me to a local Psychologist. The cost was relatively high which didn’t please my dad. After the session, the doctor said that I just didn’t want to go to school. He was right in a way that I had associated school with my panic attacks, but of course this wasn’t at all helpful. My parents decided I needed to go back to school no matter what, so that made matters worse and I missed even more school than before. Nobody knew what to do with me and I was just miserable.

Eventually my parents decided to send me to a private school where the Principal said if I felt anxiety I could just leave the class and go to the office. This was a true godsend. I only had to escape a few times and then everything was just fine. No more panic attacks! Maybe I was finally over this nightmare.

I stayed in that private school for 2 more years and everything was going fine (although I think it almost bankrupted my parents since they didn’t make much). The school only went to 8th grade so for 9th grade I went to a public school. At first everything was fine and then it hit. Panic attacks everyday, missing school, sick days. My grades plummeted, I retreated to my bedroom, my life was in turmoil. I had picked up a hobby – Astronomy – and I was really interested in it. I remember one weekend I went to the local Planetarium with my parents and I could not get out of the car. I was too afraid to go into the closed building. I came back with a vengeance because I never learned how to deal with it. Eventually I was able to finish school, bad grades and all, and I could rest during the Summer.

For 10th grade, I went to another private school. My mom and I spoke to the Principal about the issues I had in 9th grade, and he was very accommodating. I did have a few minor panic attacks when I started, but they quickly went away. I excelled in school. I even started an Astronomy club and had several members.

For 11th and 12th grade I had to go to a public school because the private school only went through 10th grade and my parents couldn’t afford it. Fortunately I was able to enroll in DECA, formerly the Distributive Education Clubs of America, which allowed me to go to school in the morning and work at a job in the afternoon. I already had a job that I had gotten in the Summer before 10th grade, so I was set. This turned out to be a real blessing. I had a few minor panic attacks, but I knew that if I just kept going I’d get out of school (“flight”) and all would be okay. I remember being nervous eating lunch in the cafeteria which I had to do in the 11th grade because there was another class I had to take in the afternoon. That was tough, but somehow I made it.

Just before my senior year, my parents moved to Dallas.

I graduated 12th grade and by that time I was playing in rock bands. I had started with the piano at age 6 and later started playing the guitar. I became good enough that I could play anything I heard on the radio. I remember being nervous onstage, but only for the first few minutes and then it subsided. Of course I was also a member of a band of several members so I wasn’t the only one on stage.