10/26 to 10/30 – My 40 day meditation challenge continues, although most days I’m only able to meditate once a day. That’s fine. A little is better than none at all. However, I haven’t notice a huge impact. Maybe deep down my body is calming a bit. I’ll give it more time.
I’ve notice my acid reflux has returned and I’ve also had some difficulty eating heavy foods like the Kate Farms protein drink. I contacted the Dietician on Friday afternoon about this. She wasn’t their, but perhaps she’ll contact me next week with some recommendations.
I have had some positive experiences. Even though I’ve had trouble with simple meetings, I’ve made it through them. I just need to remember that this is a long and difficult process and to keep pushing ahead.
I’ve been listening to an audiobook of Hope and Help for your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes who was a pioneer in dealing with anxiety. She recommends four methods of managing symptoms of anxiety:
- Face the symptoms – do not run away
- Accept what is taking place – do not fight
- Float with your feelings – do not tense
- Let time pass – do not be impatient.
This is so simple. I’ve heard it hundreds of times, but fear always takes over and I stop. That’s the problem, though. I’m stopping. I also expect too much of myself. I need to take it slow and keep going. I also need to prepare. Preparation is very important for anything I know may cause anxiety. For instance, don’t eat as much prior to a meeting, make sure I’ve taken my calming medications and then do it. I also should not fight the anxiety. As it says above, I need to accept what is taking place and just float with my feelings. Fighting will only make it worse.
I’ve ordered the book Panic Attacks Workbook: A Guided Program for Beating the Panic Trick, by Dr. David Carbonell. I’ve watched a few videos on YouTube by him and he seems to know what he’s talking about. Plus the comments are positive. Since it’s a workbook, I’ll be able to set goals and see real progress.
10/19 to 10/25 – I’m continuing my 40 day meditation challenge. I decided not to use special mantras each day opting instead to just do my regular meditations twice a day for 20 minutes.
I did have somewhat of a “win” this week. One of my veteran programmers made some serious errors resulting in quality issues. As a result, I had to attend a Quality meeting with several people to discuss what happened. I was terribly anxious before and during the meeting. I didn’t think I would make it through the meeting, but I kept telling myself “this will pass” and “I’ll make it.” Well, it worked. Towards the end of the meeting, I felt pretty good. Afterwards I did a little victory dance at home and reminded myself that this was a “win.”
My weekly schedule is still difficult. I still have trouble eating much food at a time and I can’t exercise much. I keep telling myself things will eventually improve and try to remain positive.
Friday was a tough day. The junior developer on my team could not finish his projects. Furthermore, one of the projects he had submitted to the quality team for testing had issues and he admitted that he did not test it. There are a total of 3 projects he’s working on that are in jeopardy because of his incompetence. I quickly grabbed a senior developer to help with one. We found issues all day Friday so the developer had to work on the program over the weekend. Hopefully everything will be okay Monday. I’m going to pull in another developer on Monday to ensure another of his projects is working properly. Once we get through this, I’ll have a meeting with him and discuss all the issues and send him an email documenting what he did wrong. Unfortunately, this sent my whole system into a spiral and I’ve been sick Friday afternoon, Saturday, and now Sunday. I’ve lost some weight and I can’t eat much. My acid-reflux is also on the rebound. I might have to find a less stressful job or find better people for my team.
Friday I had an appointment with my Therapist. He did provide a few helpful ideas:
- We have an emotional tank within us and we have to keep it full just like a bank account. Every time we have stress, we withdraw from this emotional tank. It could become empty if I don’t make deposits to it. You have to take care of yourself or use coping strategies. Think of all the thinks that are relaxing and fulfilling for you. Those make deposits to your emotional tank. When you worry about something you have no control over, you are making withdrawals and the account will run dry. Just say, “screw it, I’m going to have to deal with the stressor, but I can fill it back up later.”
- People follow their emotions. “I’m in a bad mood so I’m going to continue until I get in a good mood.” Don’t do this! Remember to refill your emotional tank with good things. It’s always a decision of what I do with you free time. You can choose something that will make you feel good or anxious. If you choose to view something as a stressor, then you’ll be anxious.
- My brain tells me I’m full and keeps me from over-eating. I’ve connected this to getting sick and I get anxious about it. Try this: Never allow myself to get full by eating small meals. Graze all day long. Just snack on healthy foods all day long. I could be getting acid reflux and feeling that. I just need to reframe this as it’s okay. Maybe I’m trying to eat too many calories, and I’m having a truly negative physical reaction. Pay close attention to your calories that I’m getting enough. The minute I feel full, shut it down. And by the way, Drink plenty of water.
I asked my Therapist for ideas to prevent panic attacks or reading materials that I could use. I also mentioned that he was going to talk to a Psychiatrist during our last appointment and get back with me. He was lost. He’s provided some good information that I just need to practice, but I think I’ve reached the end of my time with him. Unless something changes, I won’t be seeing him again.
I did some searching on a Meditation board and found out about John Kabat-Zinn and his research in mindfullness. I’m surprised I hadn’t heard of him before. I checked out an audiobook of his from the library and have been listening to it this weekend entitled Full Catastrophe Living. He has also a set of CDs you can purchase that go along with the book. I plan on listening to the book for a couple weeks (it’s a long book) and decide whether to purchase his program. It involves meditation which I’m already doing, but it adds Yoga which I know nothing about. I’ve read great things about his programs. I’m already on a plan now, but this could be the next big step in my progress.
I must keep up my spirits and remain positive. I’m very thankful I have a loving and supportive wife and that I can work from home. I will get better. It’ll just take time.
10/14 to 10/18 – This has been a tough week. My anxiety has not declined. I’ve had several panic attacks triggered mostly by work phone calls. I also had issues with my stomach and have not wanted to go out.
I did start the 40 day meditation challenge and plan on completing it, but I don’t see any improvement in my anxiety. Furthermore, my forehead gets really tense during the meditation and can stay that way the entire day. I keep telling myself it will get better so we’ll see.
On a positive note, I went to Home Depot and Target on Saturday and had no issues. I prepared myself by not eating much prior to the visit and I carried a bottle of water with me at all times which has worked well in the past as a crutch.
My weight is also staying steady. It’s continuing to stay above 140 pounds which is low, but it hasn’t declined.
I haven’t been exercising much which I know is bad, but sometimes my stomach just gets to me and I don’t want to do it.
Finding the right help is so frustrating. I’m not getting the help from my doctors so what do I do? My Therapist even admitted that he could not help me when he said “At some point I will stumble across something that works.” At least he was being honest.
I just spent 2 hours watching videos from Panic Free TV on YouTube. It’s mainly trying to get me to sign-up for $1 for 7 days and two payments of $99 for the next two months. I’m a bit skeptical, but I’ve subscribed to the channel and might go back.
I’m currently reading the resource on a website entitle The Anxiety Coach.
10/13 – The first day of meditations went okay. One problem I have is that my forehead gets tense and I’m unable to relax it. Hopefully this will pass as I continue to meditate.
This morning my stomach was in knots. I think it was due to back-to-back meetings which increased my stress. I took a tums and my Klonopin dosage that I usually take during lunchtime and that seemed to help.
10/12 – I’ve been considering doing the 40 day meditation challenge. I think it was started a few years ago as a 21 day meditation challenge and was expanded to 40 days. I’m still trying to get more details, but I plan on starting today. There are so many websites that have plans you can buy, even a Christian one, but I don’t think I’m going to pay anything. The biggest obstacle will be to stick with it for 40 days.
I’m considering this one: 40 DAY SADHANA | 40 Days of Mantra Meditation
I started the mediation challenge, but I’m going to make some modifications. For instance, it’s recommended that I set aside 45 minutes to an hour to meditate. That’s too long, especially while working, so I’ve decided to break it into two 20 minute sessions. This is similar to what I learned for Transcendental Meditation where it is recommended to meditate for 20 minutes twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. I’m also going to schedule the first meditation just before lunch since I have more time available. We’ll see how it goes.
I had a panic attack later in the afternoon when a painter I’m having work on my house asked if I could get another gallon of paint. I had a meeting schedule in about 25 minutes, but I thought I could make it. I got to the paint store and put in my order, but the panic attack kept getting worse and worse. I left to use the bathroom at a local restaurant and tried to go back in, but I just couldn’t. I thought I was going to be sick the whole time, but somehow made it. Eventually I decided to return home without the paint. My plan was to give the painter some cash and have him pick up the paint, but fortunately my wife had returned home and she went to get it. It all worked out, but I still have the problem where I simply cannot calm myself while away from home and having a panic attack.
Evening went okay. I got a little exercise and was able to go Pokemoning with my wife before bedtime.
10/9 to 10/11 – I’ve been away some, but I have been working on my health each day.
One thing I’ve been trying to do each day is to expose myself to something uncomfortable so that I can overcome my crippling anxiety. I believe that will be a big part of my recovery.
I spoke with the Dietitian on Friday and I was really anxious, even to the point of being nauseas. She didn’t call, so I called her back 15 minutes after the appointment and she forgot! She was very apologetic, but it actually worked out better for me because somehow my anxiety level went down. That was my uncomfortable exercise for the day and I felt really good afterwards. Basically I just need to keep pushing foods to get my gut moving. She said when I felt comfortable get that emptying study done again, give her a call.
Saturday I practiced meditation and some grounding exercises. I went to Small Group for my church Saturday night. I was really nervous and didn’t think I would make it, but I pushed through and did it. My stomach was churning through some of it. I felt great afterwards.
Sunday I went to Home Depot to buy some air filters for the house air-conditioner. That went well. I had thought about driving across the Arkansas River bridge, but I really did need to get home.
I did some exercise on Saturday and that made me tired on Sunday (as it usually happens). I guess I’ll do light exercise ever other day. Sunday my stomach was bothering me, but it could have had something to do with being constipated and having to give myself an enema Saturday night (which I hate, but I have to do it sometimes). I didn’t eat as much Sunday.
There is a daily pattern in my eating habits: morning is usually okay, lunchtime I have trouble eating. I snack during the afternoon, which works okay. Then dinner I can’t eat much. I have to get my calories in earlier in the day.
Monday’s are always more difficult for me so I’m going to sleep a bit early to prepare.
10/8 – I felt better this morning, but was a little tired from the exercise I did last night.
I’m able to eat, but not very much at one time. I recall this started happening about a year ago. I can’t believe it’s been a year and I’m not better. Anyway, now’s a good time to post my daily diet. Note that the later in the day it gets, the harder it is to eat.
- Breakfast – Steel-cut oats, RX AM Oats, Ensure Clear, Kate Farms Standard formula. I consume this throughout the morning slowly until it’s time for lunch.
- Lunch – White rice, microwaved fish, avocado. I can only eat about half of this and it’s difficult to eat that. I have to force myself to eat it. I then fix myself a smoothie using about 2 cups of Almond Milk, a half of a banana, and about 2 heaping tablespoons full of pea protein powder. I usually have two smoothies during the afternoon. Sometimes I’ll have a half of a rice cake with peanut butter, but I’m finding that peanut butter is heavy on my stomach so I have to be careful.
- Dinner – I warm up the leftovers from lunch and either have Squash and Sweat Potato soup or another smoothie.
I’ll be talking to the Dietician tomorrow to get more ideas on my diet.
After dinner, my stomach was a little bloated so I laid still on my bed and watched a TV show. Afterwards, I took a short walk. That did make me feel better.
I’ve heard that grounding exercises help over time so I’m going to start doing them regularly. I’m starting with videos from Therapy in a Nutshell.
Grounding Exercise: Anxiety Skills #5
Grounding Activity for Anxiety #7: Creating a Safe Place
Grounding for Anxiety #9 : Breath Counting
10/7 – After the Seroquel incident yesterday, I wasn’t able to eat much for dinner so I thought my weight would decrease. It didn’t, probably because I had been pushing the calories most of the day.
One thing I tend to ignore is the incessant Tinnitus that I have all the time. It’s a little louder this morning. It’s frustrating that it only started after I inadvertently took half the Klonopin dosage last year. Maybe it’ll go away one day.
I’m still on a bland diet and it’s still difficult to eat a lot in one sitting without feeling bloated and nauseated. One day I’ll be better. I think I just need to get my stress level down and manage my anxiety.
I’ve been watching some YouTube videos about rewiring the anxious brain on the Therapy in a Nutshell channel, and it’s really been interesting. The presenter Emma McAdam has some great ideas for handling anxiety. She emphasizes daily practice of the techniques she presents and to be patient and allow them to work, and also to write about my anxiety.
Just before dinner I went for a bike ride around my neighborhood. I felt better, but I’m very tired.
I’ve noticed today that after getting off Seroquel, my skin doesn’t feel strange like it did before. I compared it to being on pins and needles, but that’s not exactly how it felt. Maybe it was the Seroquel causing the problems.
I had a meeting today between with a couple other people and though I was nervous in the beginning, I eventually calmed down. That was a huge win.
10/6 – Before going to sleep last night, I started watching a show on Netflix entitled “Heal.” According to IMDB, it’s a documentary film that takes us on a scientific and spiritual journey where we discover that by changing one’s perceptions, the human body can heal itself from any disease. One of the key points is that illness is caused by stress on the body. I’m not getting significantly better so I’m considering seeking out a holistic practitioner in town.
I decided to take a Seroquel after lunch to see if it helped any with my anxiety. It didn’t. It made me feel terrible. I was down for the rest of the day after that. I guess I didn’t notice the problems with the drug when taking it before bed because I was asleep. I’m going to call my doctor and tell him that I can’t take it anymore. Hopefully this won’t affect the plan to start TMS Therapy in the future.
10/5 – It’s Monday so I’m tired and more anxious as usual. And btw, my weight has gained since yesterday: 142.6!
I was feeling bad around 9:00 a.m. and realized I had forgotten to take my Nexium. I took it, but still didn’t fee that great. I had several bowel movements which I was happy about because I was getting constipated. I think I’m good now.
I ate the usual: Oatmeal, RX AM Oats, Ensure Clear, Kate Farms protein drink. I was doing okay until a meeting that started at 11:30 a.m. lasted until about 12:45 p.m. I hadn’t eaten lunch nor had I take my medicine. I felt bad.
I quickly ate some rice which helped a little and decided to try a Salmon patty I found at Kroger. It was too spicy, but I tried eating it anyway. I didn’t eat my usual avocado. My routine was off and I felt bad.
I kept going through the afternoon. I tried eating a rice cake with peanut butter, but felt bad. I tried meditation, I listened to a calming YouTube video, but I still felt bad. About 4:30 p.m. I laid in bed. I slept from about 5 till 6 and woke up to take my evening Nexium.
For dinner, I just had a smoothie. I finally finished drinking it about 9:00 p.m. I still feel bad. I took a short walk and drop a little to play Pokemon, and went to bed early. Hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning.
10/4 – I took my MiraLAX first thing and had a bowel movement later in the morning. It wasn’t great, but maybe I’m okay.
I worked on the back deck today. That helped me get some exercise. I also did some work with that quality issue. I’m worried about the upcoming week because I’m going to have several meetings dealing with that.
Today was a Pokémon event day which I tried to participate in. It made me anxious because there were some things to do in the game. My hands and body started feeling like pins and needles. I hate that feeling. I almost couldn’t go out to battle in a raid, but I was able to make it. It wasn’t far from my house so I was discouraged that I was so anxious.
I also drank several smoothies so hopefully that’ll help with my weight.
10/3 – My weight is dropping a little. Hopefully by exercising more, I’ll gain some muscle and gain weight.
I got out a little today. I went to the grocery store, the hardware store and Home Depot. I did okay. I’m fighting to get out whenever I can.
I’ve been drinking a lot of smoothies between meals to keep the calories coming and to help jump-start my gut. I’ve been drinking Pea Protein which I’ve acquired a taste for. I mix about 2 cups of vanilla flavored almond milk, half a banana, and about 2-3 tablespoons of pea protein.
I had to do some work today because of the quality issue so that made me anxious. I spoke with an analyst and she was stressed out. I was as well. I used to be able to handle stress, but not anymore. One day I’ll be able to get back to where I used to be.
In the evening before bed, I was driving around playing Pokémon when I started feeling really anxious. In this case, I couldn’t burp. Even when I got home, I still couldn’t burp so I sat in the backyard trying to feel better. I walked around. Still nothing. I told myself I’m not nauseous, only bloated. That seemed to help a little. It was time for bed and I couldn’t take my medicines so I laid on a recliner in the living room and slept a little. I was finally able to take my pills and go to sleep. I was worried about not being able to take my MiraLAX, because if I miss a day I’ll be constipated the next. I’ll take it in the morning.
10/2 – Early this morning I went to the hospital for my gastric emptying study. I had prepared for this day, knowing that eating food in public, especially in a hospital, makes me nervous. I was still reeling from the bad day at work and my nerves were fried but I still went.
I started eating the food for the test, but couldn’t continue. My anxiety was pegged at a 10. I told the person administering the test that I didn’t think I could continue. He was very understanding and told me what they could do to help me feel more at ease. I couldn’t do it and told him I had to leave. I’m sure I’ll have to pay the full amount for the test I couldn’t do. I was defeated.
I drove home and told my wife about it. The test isn’t absolutely required, but my Dietician wanted to get the results to help her formulate a future diet. I went to bed and slept for about 3 hours.
When I awoke, it was about time for lunch so I had my usual rice, fish, and avocado. I checked some of my emails at work and that Quality issue was being handled. Still no word on exactly how much it will cost the company, but I predict it will be at least $50k. So I’m still bummed by that and the fact that I couldn’t complete the test.
After lunch I watched a TED video about anxiety, How to cope with anxiety | Olivia Remes | TEDxUHasselt. The speaker listed 3 tips which I found summarized in another article, 3 Skills To Help You Cope With Anxiety: A TedTalk By Olivia Remes. The first one really helped: Forgive Yourself. I really needed that now. I wasn’t ready for that test this morning. I will continue to seek help and eventually go back and have that test. It will be okay.
That quality issue at work, though, I’m not so sure. It wasn’t my fault, but as the manager of the developer that messed up, it’s my responsibility. I’ll just have to take it one day at a time. I’m still very upset about it.
10/1 – Weight is holding steading. I’m going to try to increase my exercise so I can add more muscle mass. I’m trying to view this as a great opportunity where I’m starting over with my body, eating healthier and getting regular exercise.
Work was going well. I’m continuing with my usual routine of eating similar things for each meal and snacking on a smoothie in between.
I had a FaceTime appointment with my Therapist today. I was really nervous prior to the appointment, so I spent about 30 minutes preparing for it by not eating anything and practicing breathing exercises. I was feeling pretty good when I met with the therapist.
I told him about the severe anxiety I’ve been having, how I’ve seen no improvement. He said he would talk to a Psychiatrist they have one staff and let me know if he has any new information. I told him all the things I was doing when I had panic attacks and he said I was doing everything right. He said the good thing is that things are working. They’re not working to the degree that I’d like, but I am responding positively to some of these things. And something very important to me that he said was that at some point I’ll stumble across something that works. That was very helpful. I just need to hold out hope and keep pushing.
After work I drove to Home Depot to buy some supplies for my deck. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I kept telling myself that I could turn around anytime I wanted. When I got to the store, I went in and I was fine. I actually felt good! I went to the lumber section and realized I didn’t know the exact boards I wanted. Rather than guess and buy the wrong lumber, I took pictures of what I thought I should buy and came home and measured to be sure. Now I know exactly what I need.
A little after 6:00 p.m., I don’t know why but I checked my email. There was an issue for a client we have at work. We recently had a sizable quality issue that cost the company about $16k so I was very worried that this could be another quality issue. Unfortunately, my fears came true. The developer did not test a recent project thoroughly. My anxiety went through the roof thinking about this. I chatted with the developer on Teams asking him what happened. He simply did not do his job and now it’s going to cost the company even more than the previous issues. (Incidentally, I could never prove exactly who caused the last quality issue, but all signs pointed to this same developer.) And to top it off, there was another issue that this developer caused for another client that was discovered today. That issue won’t cost the company any money, but the client wasn’t happy about it.
I am so disappointed in this developer, I don’t know what to do. When several of us got on a call with our director late in the evening to tell him what happened, his disappointment came through loud and clear on the call. This developer has been with the company almost as long as myself and usually did good work. Why did he screw up so badly? Of course this won’t go unpunished, but will I be affected? Will I lose my job? I couldn’t lower my anxiety so I went to bed. This could have been a great day, but it was ruined by the carelessness of a bad developer.
Breaking Free of Anxiety 